we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
