I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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