upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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