She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
