Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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