i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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