Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
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I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
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my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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