I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
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You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize