My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
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Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
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Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure