nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
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It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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