I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
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