I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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