i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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