He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
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That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
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Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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