Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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