Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
