mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
