the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize