In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
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I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will