remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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