he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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