I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize