Fuck appropriateness.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
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I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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