i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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