and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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