Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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