Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
