i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
