You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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