she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
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She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
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Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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