Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
