Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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