Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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