if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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