When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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