The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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