just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
These 21 Declassified Government Horrors Are Unimaginable
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha