I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.