so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.