Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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