i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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