using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.