I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
