sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
