my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
