I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.