If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN