Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
