We won't sleep together?
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize