everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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