I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
