mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?