When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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